New Old Friend
My ex, the one from my first few posts, sent a message at midnight a two days ago. I was shaking and my hands went cold when I read it. Everything rushed in my head. The memories, the feelings, the desire, all of it came back to me, screaming for my attention. It seemed to be a genuine attempt at reconnecting to be friends, which is usually strange to me as none of my exes are current friends. I seem to not be able to catch a break with all these emotionally heavy things happening so soon from one to another in the past half year.
Her first message just told me good wishes that life was treating me well. After a few seconds of panic and increased heart rate as reported by my Garmin, I told her that it's been hard but better than before, then wished her to be safe and happy. It didn't stop there. She then said that she looked at my Instagram and was happy about my trips. She said sorry about the pain she caused and that she wanted to be friends again.
We talked about perfumes and one of my favorite bars, then we ended with good wishes. The next day, after letting that exchange settle and simmer in my brain, I asked her to be transparent, that her message didn't mean anything other than just reconnecting. She said that she felt guilty about what happened but can't go back to it with me anymore, and that she genuinely wanted to try being friends again because she liked being friends with me. I believed her.
We've been talking about the past normally with the "remember when" and "remember this or that". It felt good to recall those things from a different perspective. In between these conversations, we talked about our past issues and how those could have been easily fixed. It's funny now looking back. Simply put, more open communication is important. This involves trust in self and each other.
She has zero feelings for me now while I still have a small piece of leftover feelings, but I have no plans to act on it. I'm happy about what we shared and not continuing with her on that path means we can keep those good memories as they are.
She said that we should meet to catch up when I'm ready. I admit I'm a little scared, but I trust myself to not lose my composure, loosening my lips. I don't know what to expect. She was the only person I was very comfortable sharing any stupid or mundane thought or anything else with. So maybe we will have something to talk about that can fill any amount of time, probably. I think I should go. It could also be a test for myself to see how I'd feel. I'm not sure what I would be testing for, but maybe I could learn something.