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A few days ago I started writing a letter to communicate everything that I feel, regret, miss, need, and desire. I came back to it every day to refresh my perspective and to confirm if what I feel is true or just an inflated impulse from putting my emotions into writing. A few paragraphs turned into five pages of 2834 words, based on Obsidian's word count. This includes PS, PPS, PPPS afterthoughts which were handwritten after printing the pages.
This morning I went to the girl's apartment unannounced. I brought an iced latte to offer and start a conversation with. I rang the buzzer a few times, about once every three or four minutes, while pacing back and forth composing myself. after about 20 minutes, the building's caretaker, I assume, told me that she was out. I do not know whether this was true or not. Defeated, I placed the coffee in the pile of trash on the side and walked for a few hundred meters towards the cafe I bought the coffee from. I booked a ride on our local ride sharing app and went back home. On that ride home, I was made aware by a friend through Telegram messages that what I did was disgusting, selfish, and entitled, that I had to accept that there was no way back, no other opening into a comment or conversation, no other chance even after learning and wanting to be better. It sucked. I wouldn't say that it was a waste of $30 and three hours. I learned something, I guess. I never wanted anything as much as this ever before.
I learned that the things I wrote in the letter should have always been expressed in the past without fear and with conviction. It took a devastating ending for me to learn it. Maybe if I hesitated less, things would still be good today. Not maybe - stupid. It would definitely be better if I hesitated less. It feels unfair but at the same time I think I deserve the hurt and pain. It's a confusing thing. I can't say that she was not faultless, but I blame myself for the compounding issues that led this shit ending. Maybe it's wrong to hope or fantasize for another chance in the future. It felt unfair that I didn't get one when people in relationships should work together to fix and build and get stronger together. I thought we would do the same, smashing through issues and problems and obstacles together and coming out stronger on the other side.
What we had wasn't bad. It was all nice actually. I just expected and wanted some words of assurance or comfort that I'm not hated, that she wants me too but just can't continue anymore, something like that just to soften the blow a little or to ease me into the devastating feeling of emptiness. She did say that she can never hate me and that she will always care in one of her last messages to me before she stopped responding. I don't know how I can believe that after the complete silence I've been facing. I know I can be better. I wish she would see that too.
I think that's all I can say about it for now.